Addiction is a symptom of trauma. In my case addiction was my way of coping with unexpressed emotion from trauma. These feelings ran deep and were never expressed. Why was this so? Because I did not others would understand. Nor did I feel they would give me the space to be heard. It was not until I felt heard that the journey out of my eating disorder began.
My closest friend had listened for hours to my story. She stood with me in my depression. Her tolerance and consistency eventually convinced me to trust her. When she said she would miss me if I died, I trusted her words and they changed my life. Her words pierced my heart, going beyond the hardened exterior of rejection and touching the softness of the deepest part of my soul. I felt understood and loved.
Rejection was my normal as a child, always a problem and often forgotten by my siblings. By the time I reached adulthood, I expected indifference. There seemed to be no relief – except with my closest friends. Fee had understood that I was hurting, although she had no concept of the depth of my pain. She had wondered if I would ever have a healthy self-esteem.
But those words gave me what I needed – someone wanted me. She would miss me if I was absent.
As I look back at that stage of my life, I am in awe of and grateful for the powerful love I felt through my friend. This was the result of a friendship forged through difficulty. She had earned my trust and I believed her.
What will it take for you to trust that you, too are worthy of love? What will it take for you to feel such a depth of acceptance that you no longer need to use food, alcohol, drugs, or any other substance to take you from your pain?
In your effort to change your behaviour, please understand that addiction is much deeper than this. Addiction is always the result of some form of trauma. Be kind to yourself.
If you want to chat, please message me.
In love, Jenny
