For many of us, life is busy and stressful, mostly filled with tasks such as our job, cooking, cleaning, taking the kids to sports, or appointments. We rarely find the time to spend in the moment or quality time with those we love.
What does it mean to be just surviving? We are moody and unable cope with minor problems, to relax or allow ourselves time out. We may use substances such as alcohol to cope, we take feedback personally, forget things and unable to concentrate. We focus on tasks as we desperately try to do what must be done. Giving for its own sake is out of the question. Love is something we show when we have time, when we are not tired and feel we have something emotionally to give.
I have been thinking about the link between survival mode and behaviour which seems narcissistic. My mother was often stressed, and she was moody, reactive, oversensitive to criticism and unable to focus. She was the one who taught me about substance abuse by using food as a substitute for self-love and she taught me how to manipulate others to get my needs met. At the heart of her behaviour was an unsatisfied need. She was unhappy in herself. Perhaps her behaviour could be seen as narcissistic, but that’s not the way I see it.
After her death, I made the decision that I did not want to be the stressed-out individual she had been. I wanted to love others in a way which gave them freedom. Over the years I have learned to recognise when I am in survival mode and take steps to come back to myself. In this space I have room for love and to recognise where others are at. The way I see it, if I do not work out how to be at peace with myself and take some rest, I will manipulate others to fill the void within. Although it is healthy and normal to receive care from others, it is unhealthy to force them to do so.
What about you? Are you in survival mode?
In love, Jenny
