Once again, I have been pondering on what it means to conform. According to the Oxford Languages dictionary, to conform is to “behave according to socially acceptable conventions or standards.” Every social setting has a different set of standards.
Because of my obesity, I found it difficult to conform to most sets of standards. At school, in the workplace, church and the world in general I simply could never fit in because of my weight. My hope was that if I lost the weight, I would fit in and finally be acceptable.
To my disappointment, my weight loss did not bring the acceptance I sought. There are three main reasons for this. The impact of morbid obesity in childhood cannot always be reversed, so I will always walk and stand differently. My lifelong food addiction and changes to my lifestyle mean that I eat differently from most others. In a social setting my dietary requirements make me stand out. Perhaps these seems trivial to some, but I have discovered that it does make a difference socially.
But what I had not factored in was that in overcoming obesity, my main motivation for losing weight would be lost. The inner changes to me as a person mean that I no longer need to conform, and I no longer need to seek outward acceptance because I have it within. I have found peace and happiness without the acceptance of others. My experience is that acceptance in our society does not create mental well-being, it may well create ill health.
Personal transformation does not lead to conformity, nor does it help us to fit in. Instead, it leads to authenticity, and authenticity means we do not conform because we become true to ourselves. This is not an easy way to live, as it can bring unexpected conflict. The very act of authenticity is an act of rebellion in our society. By default, authenticity means letting go of the expectations of others.
True transformation brings its own challenges. Remember this as you embark on your own journey.
In love, Jenny
I rarely speak about my faith, but this Easter I have chosen to share my heart. The way I see it, whatever you believe, you are loved, because your beliefs do not change this fact. This is what I base my life upon.
The Christian message is that Jesus was crucified and died, giving up his soul for us and was resurrected on the 3rd day. Christians celebrate this on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. To me, the love shown in this act is sacrificial and wholehearted and the resurrection shows that true love never fails, it is eternal.
Perhaps you have a different story of love, or perhaps you celebrate love in a different faith. This does not matter to me because the way I see it, the message of Jesus was love and if your faith has at its core, love, it’s good. If we share love, we are all one in love. If our faith is without love, then it has no purpose, and the true intention of the Easter story is lost.
I have experienced my fair share of trauma in the church, so I know the difference between a lived experience and mere talk of faith, the difference between sympathy and empathy, and love and Christian manipulation. Because of my experience I normally choose not to share my beliefs as I fear it will turn people away from what really matters, LOVE.
The hope that I want to share with the world is that the real message behind Easter is one of love. To live without love is not what Jesus taught. His message, and I hope the message of all faiths is that true love is willing to suffer deeply, as this is profound love. To grasp a love like this is truly freeing.
I hope you experience a love so great that your life is a joy to live.
In love, Jenny
What is money, and why do we need it? The way I see it, money is the lubricant which enables our commercial world. We need it to pay for services, and businesses need it to keep afloat and to pay their staff, who in turn need it to live their lives and pay for essential items. As an accountant I am acutely aware of how it can be used and abused to manipulate us into becoming what the world wants.
I have had my own share of trauma when it comes to money, or lack thereof. Given my weight earlier in my career, it was hard to earn. After all, how can an obese woman be fast enough to earn it efficiently, and how can she be trusted with it if she cannot control her eating habits? My parents were survivors of poverty, so it was the glue which held our family together. As the third girl, and morbidly obese, I was seen as unfit for the purpose of creating wealth, and my presence was a burden to my family.
Money is a great agent in its place: as a means to an end. It is a problem when it becomes the end purpose of life. We all know someone who lives to increase their assets, and the more they have, the better. We have witnessed those who thrive on increasing their wealth. But are these people happy and have they found their most fulfilling purpose in life? Sadly, it has come to represent success and acceptance to many.
I believe that love is the greater motivation, and that money should be used for this purpose. When we give to others without thought of return, we are successful. When money is in its place, we can truly live a fulfilling life. For me, this means that it is used to maintain my happy place. This gives me the energy to love and reach out to others, which in turn makes me happier. My motivation for the good of others has improved my life greatly. When I learned to replace it with compassion, understanding and acceptance, life became bearable and hope crept in. After all, money cannot be taken with me when I die, but love always remains.
In love, Jenny
Close connection was not something I experienced as a child. Looking back, I can see that we never got to know each other, or at least I felt no one knew me. We related through our roles. My role was the youngest child, the one with the least understanding and maturity, the last to be told and the least significant. Nothing much was asked of me, and my opinion was not sought. I’m not the only youngest child to experience this. My other siblings were given different roles, and this was how we related, everything we said to each other reflected these roles and formed the basis of the strong pecking order in the family.
As a child, it formed my identity as a person. It was the way I fit into my family; it was how I belonged. It wasn’t until I left home and began my journey of self-discovery, that I realised there was much more to me. For the sake of my own integrity, I could no longer maintain what was required to fit in. Breaking out of this was difficult as it affected the relationships within my family.
We are not what we do, nor are we how others define us. Our job, role in our family and friendships are only part of who we are. In life we play many roles, but these can only ever reflect a portion of our whole being. I became an accountant because I enjoy maths. After being employed in the field I discovered that there was more to the role than just playing with numbers. Often those in my profession have a passion for money and the making of it. Sadly, this was not me. I just wanted to play with numbers and use it for the good of others. Hence, I worked for charitable organisations, using my skill in the hope it would help others.
I believe our mission on earth is to discover who we really are and use this to benefit ourselves and world in which we live.
What are your roles? Do you think they are the totality of who you are?
In love, Jenny.
This week has been spent at home with my boy convalescing from the COVID virus. I had made plans for the week, all of which have been cancelled, along with many in the forthcoming week. Being forced to spend time at home without the pressure of pleasing others creates a space to reflect. Lately, I have been very caught up with various activities during the day which has left less time for reflection.
As I floated in and out of sleep, I was faced with my guilt about not achieving. For me, achieving has been a way of disproving some false beliefs about myself which were formed when I was very young. Interestingly, most of these I have managed to disprove, except the one about becoming financially well-off which I figure is too late in life to attain now.
This brings me back to the real question, which is “What is the purpose of all this pressure to achieve?” The effort to achieve should be to create happiness in our life. Sadly, for many of us it is to impress others so that they will like us and then we can like ourselves. For me this translates to becoming rich to impress my family. However, I am not sure that this will make me happy.
As I grew up, I witnessed my own parents’ struggle with money. Dad managed to build a small fortune from his focus on work every day of the year, including every holiday. But this came at a price, it impacted family relationships. He was not involved in my upbringing which meant mum became my sole parent. For me, he was an angry, distant man even though he worked only metres from the home in which I grew up. To this day, I still do not understand his motivation, but I do know it gave him a sense of power and control.
I know now that contentment does not come from money, nor does true love and I certainly know that pleasing my family will never make me happy. Then, the only question I have for myself is “Have I done enough in my life to bring me contentment?”. Deep down I know that I have done enough because contentment comes from discovering ourselves and does not come from what we do.
Are you content? What will help you find your happy place?
This is my view as I convalesce.
In love, Jenny
Sometimes the thrill of the chase can be better than the prey itself. In the same way, the thought of achieving a goal can be more enjoyable than having achieved what we have sought after for so long. We work hard to get a qualification, improve our position in life, or get fit. But when we have finally achieved the goal, is it all that we had hoped it would be? Have we self-actualized, or reached our nirvana?
I have attained some goals that have been important to me. These include completing an MBA, reaching the top of Mt Kosciusko, becoming fit and improving my health dramatically. But how do I feel now that I have attained these things? For me, the accomplishment was not as good as I thought it would be. In fact, the thought of achieving was better than achievement itself.
Once I had made it, I needed another goal to keep my juices flowing. But was this what I really wanted? I had the misguided idea that if I had attained these things, I would be satisfied. But satisfaction did not come. Instead, the urge to keep trying pushed me on, ever seeking the gold at the end of the rainbow.
The achievements improved my self-worth, and I began to believe that I was just as good as the next person. It was enough to prove to me that I was not inferior to others, and this helped me discover peace. It was not the achievement that mattered, but that I believed in myself, for in that space I found peace, joy, and contentment.
Sometimes in our desire to achieve we forget what it was all about in the first place. We become entangled in the competitive rat-race that is our culture. After a while we discover that there is always a faster rat to beat. Achievement is good, but it should never be the end. Instead, is a means, a way to find satisfaction. Life is more than meeting goals. We meet our goals to create a good life for ourselves. Never lose sight of your purpose in life.
In love, Jenny
According to author, Gary Chapman, there are 5 different love languages. He states that these are quality time, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts and words of affirmation.
For me, quality time is a priority when it comes to my close friends. Mostly, I like to share deeply with one at a time. Being with my friends is a priority and I like to create a safe space so that we can talk openly. Physical touch in the form of hugging and sharing a meal with those with whom I am close is also important to me.
When my love language is not met, I seek it in other ways. In the absence of physical touch, I have used food as a substitute. As a child healthy touch was not available and hugs were rare, so I ate. I would seek a hug from my mum who would give it begrudgingly. I learned to use food instead. In the same way I have used television when I wanted quality time.
Over the years as I have identified what I need as a human to be fulfilled, the less healthy behaviours have been replaced by better ones. One of the precious things in life is to give what we most need. In my case it has been developing close and trusted friendships, learning to listen to others and to hear their stories and giving space for others to recognise and express their feelings. These were absent in my early years. Creating community is also a product of my need for quality time and creating an atmosphere amongst others which is safe, and nurturing has become one of my strengths. Creating healthy meals and snacks is a way of meeting my need for physical touch. If it’s inappropriate to touch someone, then I find sharing a meal or snacks to be another way of showing love.
In my relationship with Dreamy, this has translated into giving him the assurance that I love him and will not abandon him. We share lots of hugs and enjoy being in each other’s company. Today we spent quality time at the beach where he took a dip in the sea. Then we went to a café where he had puppachino and I had a coffee. I get a great deal of joy and satisfaction from time spent with him.
What are your primary love languages? Do you feel satisfied? Can you find others who speak your language, or are there other ways to satisfy your needs?
In love, Jenny
Self-acceptance has always seemed elusive to me. Given my family history, there are still times when I question my perceptions. Despite my best efforts I battle with my thoughts when triggered. In hindsight, most of my interactions with my parents left me feeling undermined. I was brought up to question my opinions, worth and existence. This went beyond the ‘children should be seen and not heard’ attitude at the time. My opinion was treated as the least reliable in the family, hence I developed a pattern of self-doubt.
Those of us with a history of childhood abuse naturally choose to believe the negative comments about ourselves rather than trusting the good intentions of those who believe in us. In my case, positive words were often used as a lure and then cancelled when I had been reeled in. I learned not to trust any encouragement given by others and instead chose to believe the negative stories. It is difficult for us to trust positive comments when they have been used as a lure into abuse in the past.
I now understand that I was experiencing ‘gaslighting’ which was used as a means of control. My memory, perceptions and often my mental stability were questioned. This left me doubting myself. When I first left home and the gaslighting reached its peak I began thinking I was insane. At the time, my esteem was low, I questioned everything I did and doubted others who believed in me. No wonder life was a train-wreck in my 20s. Then some good friends who offered consistency, love, and support entered my life. Slowly things turned around as I learned that believing in myself was good and the right thing to do.
But we live in a world where we will encounter those who use the same gaslighting tactics. It is when I encounter these individuals or have family interaction that I fall into the old hole. Then I find myself slowly crawling out by going over old ground.
I am sharing this because I want you to know that it is okay to fall back into the old hole at times. If you find yourself going over old ground that you have covered before, don’t be concerned. You are most likely returning to yourself.
In love, Jenny
Last week I visited my father for the first time in a while. If you have read my book, Death by Chocolate Cake, you will know that our relationship is not healthy. From as early as I can remember I have been afraid of his moods. Most of my adolescent memories are filled with his criticism of me. Always falling short of his expectations has left me with feelings of inferiority and rejection. I am certainly not his favourite child, and I have witnessed better treatment of others, so I do know he could be kinder.
Sadly, my visit was not any different from those in the past. Why should I have expected any different? At nearly 98, he is not about to change. I have spent much of my life trying to prove my worth to him and competing with my sisters for his attention, but his eyes cannot see what others see in me. I know I am not the only one in this boat. Like any child, I long for a loving relationship with my father, but it is not to be. Why did I visit him? Because, despite our poor relationship, I love him. I will always love him, and I will always hurt for him and for myself.
This was a sobering visit. I had hoped he would sense my love for him, but he has decided that I have not done as much as others to prove my love. Deep within me there has always been hope that this would change, but I guess at 98, it’s too late. My only hope is that his choices don’t make his last days more miserable than they need be.
Over the years I have learned that his treatment of me does not determine my response to him. Even though he treats me with indifference, I can still love him, because what I feel is MY love for him. Even though he treats me badly, I can still love him because love is my reason for living. In fact, this choice is less painful than the alternative of anger and bitterness. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of bitterness about the situation, mixed with jealousy and self-pity. But I have found that getting in touch with my real feelings has shown me how much I can love, and this love is healing.
In love, Jenny
