What are toxic relationships?

I grew up with toxic relationships. The demeaning, competitive, manipulative and dishonest way of relating eventually destroyed the connection between the members of our family. Until her stroke, mum had kept the family together in a fragmented sort of way. But after her stroke when she lost the ability to grasp what was going on around her, the competition between my siblings and myself tore at the fabric of our connection and destroyed any bonds we had developed.

Visiting my family meant walking on eggshells. I feared saying, or doing something which could bring on a destructive reaction toward me. Initially, I held on in the hope that things would change for the better. But, with a lack of support, my mental health deteriorated, and I found it necessary to make my own way in life, leaving them behind. Despite the pain, it was a necessary thing to do for my own sanity.

So, what are the signs of a toxic relationship and what do we do about it?

Toxic relationships are those where you find yourself feeling (https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/blog/8-signs-of-a-toxic-relationship):

• Demeaned — being ridiculed while alone or with others and criticised for how you look, your decisions, your opinions and your intelligence.
• Disrespected – not accepted for who you are, disregarding your boundaries, and your opinion.
• Ignored – what matters to you is treated as trivial and your needs are overlooked.
• Controlled – you are not able to make decisions for yourself, and your moves are monitored. Your association with family and friends may be limited.
• You experience physical, emotional or psychological harm.

Toxic relationships are also characterised by jealousy of you or what you have, dishonesty, holding onto grudges and sarcasm.

Because of my early years, I have lived with guilt and shame. Guilt because my decisions, boundaries and relationships were not accepted. And shame because I thought there was nothing good about me. Over time my health, life decisions and posture were affected by my lack of self-care. Despite my efforts, I still live with the physical consequences of this.

My advice is that unless both parties involved are willing to accept their part in the toxicity, and stop blaming each other, then it is best to leave the relationship. In my case, I realised that the other members of my family were getting something they were unwilling to sacrifice for me, so I had no choice but to leave.

Remember, you are worth the effort.

In love, Jenny