Despite how frequently I post pictures of myself and Dreamy, I still feel shame about how I look. The recent professional picture shoot reminded me how much I hate having my photo taken. I am my harshest critic. I guess this sounds familiar to most, if not all, of you.
Over the years have lost a lot of weight. I thought it would help how I saw myself, but quite frankly it hasn’t. Since the last surgery to remove the excess flesh from my body it has become clear that my perception of myself needs much more work. Instead of focussing on how far I have come, I still focus on how overweight I still look. Despite my loving friends who tell me that I look great, and they are proud of me, my mind focusses on what I believe I still need to improve.
But a question keeps coming to my mind, “Why do my friends see the pictures in such a positive light when I cannot see it myself?” It is because I am not seeing myself through the eyes of love. Self-hatred has been my ‘go to’ since childhood. Then I thought I was doing the world a service by hating myself and trying to change what I was. I still return to this old pattern from time to time.
So, I have made the decision to look at the photos as if I love the person in front of me. Surprisingly I can now see something completely different. In every picture my face shines with hope, joy and love because I am becoming more like myself, and I love my life. And I love this love within me!
I have been magnifying aspects of my appearance to the point of distortion. This is a symptom of body dysmorphia. But when I focus on the love which shines within me, I can see perhaps a glimpse of what others see too.
Just as this has been a journey for me with a series of steps, so it is for all of us. I encourage you to start on your own journey to self-acceptance.
In love, Jenny
