I’m not one to make new year’s resolutions because I cannot keep them. Slow, incremental changes work best for me. Promising to make major changes at a point of time is doomed to fail. All the significant changes in my life have been made up of relatively minor ones over a longer period.
External changes must be supported by internal change. For example, changing my diet started with thinking about my relationship with food. No one wants to be obese, so there must be an underlying reason for overeating unhealthy food. And, for me there were many underlying reasons. I used food as a comfort, I was addicted to sugar, I had developed a habit of reaching for food whenever I felt alone, the list goes on. But it wasn’t until I figured out the deeper need was for love that I began my journey out of morbid obesity.
It has been a long journey that has taken many years. I had always wished to be smaller but could not make the changes needed in my diet and lifestyle to do so, until I moved away from the relationships which triggered my food addiction. This was the most difficult decision to make. Grief is a terrible thing and I had to come to terms with the fact that I had initiated my own grief.
The relationships I valued the most treated me as inferior and with indifference, I thought this was love. Removing myself from those who treated me this way allowed me to spread my wings and discover who I was. I didn’t want to be obese, nor did I want to believe that I was inferior. Continuing to place myself with those who gained from my pain kept me in psychological jail. Freedom came from accepting that those I loved were hurting me and that perhaps they did not love me.
Now, years on from peeling back the damage done by the most toxic of my relationships, my life is good. Mentally I am in a good place and I’m happy. Each day brings new joy, and I am free to enjoy my friendships with all my heart.
Perhaps our new year’s resolutions should start with questioning why we do what we do.
Happy new year!
In love, Jenny
