When I first adopted Dreamy, I had no idea what separation anxiety in dogs looked like. My intention had been to keep him out of the house when he was by himself. I left a comfortable bed for him in the laundry with rugs, food, and water. But upon returning from work, he met me with aggression.

Over time the behaviours worsened, he began chewing the door frames, ripping beds, pulling items down and ripping them apart, howling outside and other destructive behaviours. I tried some natural remedies and left one of my shirts on his bed in the laundry. The behaviour did not change.  Tablets were prescribed for his anxiety which helped a little, I let him inside the house to my lay on my bed. But his anxiety continued when alone. He howled inside the house and peed on the furniture.

Anger filled me at first. My house had been my sanctuary until now; it was becoming a den of destruction. Then I began to see the similarities between his anxiety and mine. When I first moved here, I lived alone. My fear meant I saw negativity in everything. I imagined demons and struggled to focus on my work. The separation from my family was hard and the lack of contact dreadful. My life had completely changed and like Dreamy, I struggled with it. But then, someone gave me the love and support to find my own feet and helped me believe in love.

So, I tempered my reactions and showed compassion to this big, fawn greyhound. I soothed him with kind words, cuddles, and lots of love. It became a way of expressing gratefulness for what I had been given. I understood his anxiety and chose to connect with him. In the process I relived the healing I had experienced in my own life, and it softened me. I was reminded of the tenderness which had changed my life, and those who had listened to and heard my story rather than judging me.

So Dreamy and I share a common bond. We have both experienced trauma and we have both been changed my love.

Has love changed your life?

In love, Jenny

When I first adopted Dreamy five years ago, he was a different greyhound. I don’t know what he had experienced, but it influenced his life. He was an agitated and anxious boy.

Within the first half hour of coming home he had jumped on my bed, peed on the ottoman, peed on my rose bush, and drunk from the fishpond. While I was at work, I locked him outside with access to the laundry. He pulled bags from the top of the cupboard and ripped them apart, ripped up three beds, left footprints on the walls and above the doorway, chewed the door frames, pulled a power point out of the wall, ripped the outside awning and the rubber between the sliding doors.

When I got home at night, I was afraid to open the laundry door for fear of what I would find. He was so agitated that I had to calm him before entering the house. The neighbours complained because he howled like a wolf during the day.

Then, I gave him access to the house so he could feel nearer to me. I covered the furniture with rugs to protect it before leaving for work. A friend offered to take care of him in his home for two half days a week, and I installed a camera so I could check on him when he was alone while I worked. He still suffers from separation anxiety, fear of confined spaces and flies. So, I leave a towel under my leather chairs to pick up the mess, and my friend bought me a carpet spot cleaner.  

Why have I persisted? Because someone persisted with me. Just like Dreamy is not a bad dog, I was not a bad person. Dreamy was responding to trauma just like I did in my early years. We assume that unfavourable behaviour reflects a calculated and deliberate intention to harm, but I don’t see it this way. We do not know the details of another’s life so we cannot judge.

Some trauma does not go away. At times when we are triggered, we must love ourselves through the trauma rather than expecting perfection.

I love Dreamy and I know he loves me. He is now a calm, loving and gentle boy. It has been worth the effort, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

In love, Jenny

Some years ago, while writing in my journal, I realised that love is like a diamond. Just like a diamond, it has many facets, and each facet is as unique and beautiful as each of the others. When seen as one, a diamond is a truly beautiful thing to behold. Each facet complements the other so that seen apart the diamond fails to reveal its true magnificence.

As humans, we are individually unable to see all the facets of love at one time. We tend to see only what resonates with us at that moment. Hence, we can never witness its full beauty. Each of us has a bend toward one way of seeing life and this limits our experience of love.

In my case, in the early years I focussed only on the compassionate side of love because of the psychological pain I was experiencing. Later in life I learned that love can also give me courage to overcome personal challenges. As a result, I chose to have three surgeries to remove excess flesh after weight loss. I was terrified at the time, but the strength I experienced helped me face it and it increased my experience of compassion, understanding and tenderness. This broadened and deepened my understanding of love.

We tend to focus on one facet to the point of error in our understanding of love. Generally, men emphasise strength and courage, whereas women emphasise compassion and tenderness. But love is all these things at once. For me, it is strong when I am facing challenges in my life, and tender in times of emotional pain and, as in the story above it can be all these things at once.

Love is like a diamond; it has many facets. Each of these facets are as unique and beautiful as the other. However, they are the most beautiful when viewed as a whole. The more we embrace love, the clearer these facets are. The less we embrace it, the more focussed we are on one facet and therefore experience a distorted view of life. Our rigidity of beliefs filters out the beauty of love and we are left with a limited experience of life and the world around us.

As someone who had a distorted experience of love in her early years, I know the importance of viewing it as openly as possible. My close friends have given me a different perspective and helped me mature in the process.

What is your experience of love?

In love, Jenny

Freedom is the right to act, think and speak as we want. When we are free, we are not slaves for others, nor are we imprisoned by them. There have been many times when I have not experienced freedom. In my early years I was imprisoned by my own guilt and chose to be with people who used this to manipulate me. Growing up with guilt I was drawn to those who used it to get what they wanted from me. In my adult life, I have often chosen to relate, work and spend time with those who want to control. Why is this so?

Choosing freedom throws us into unfamiliar territory. Freedom requires us to choose away from those things which hold us back from living our authentic life. It requires us to take risks. We must make our own choices and be responsible for whatever the consequence. Repeating what we have done in the past provides us with a false sense of security, although it may not be safe to repeat the behaviour.

For many years I allowed myself to be beaten down by others, chose to eat for comfort and live a sedentary life. This felt safe as that was the way I grew up. I could always fall back into blaming others for my misery, after all, I was doing what I had been taught. I was not happy or healthy and it meant the risk of health issues earlier in my life. Then, instead of blaming my parents and genetics for my health outcomes I chose to change my lifestyle. There were consequences; I had to face my fears and take responsibility for my life, some relationships failed, and I no longer belonged with those I had found a false sense of security.

Often, we rely on others to make our decisions for us and bow to guilt and fear, but then complain that the outcome is not what we want. Freedom requires us to face our fears and the mindsets we rigidly hold onto. Despite the challenges, freedom is worth the effort.

The joy of being myself and sharing authentically with others far outweighs the losses and pain of facing my own mistakes.

Are you living in freedom? Do you suffer from feelings of chronic guilt and fear?

In love, Jenny

Today I listened to a podcast by Dr Aimie Apigian and Dr Gabor Mate called “How Does Trauma Manifest in the Body?” where they discuss the impact of trauma on our health.

Trauma in my life has contributed to chronic illness such as adrenal fatigue, irritable bowel, and intolerances to food. I can also suffer from chronic pain which is inflamed by emotional triggers. A couple of years ago I was suffering from chronic pain and my blood sugar levels and unhealthy cholesterol were increasing.  Five months after leaving a toxic environment I lost weight; my blood sugar levels had returned to the normal range and my cholesterol had lowered. The chronic stress had manifested in my body.

I grew up in a toxic environment and lived in a chronic state of stress. It was normal for me to be in a state of emotional and psychological overwhelm; the atmosphere was too much to deal with, so I withdrew, and had little motivation. Life was a real effort. The recent similar environment sent me back into my old ways. I was feeling overwhelmed and losing motivation for life.

The impact this had on my health shocked me as I had overcome so much to this point. It gave me firsthand experience of the impact that chronic stress can have on health. If I had remained in the same environment in which I grew up, I may not be here today. In the same way, if I allow myself to remain in a toxic and stressful environment for too long, the chronic stress will impact my health negatively.

Are you living, working, or involved in a toxic environment in any way? Do you feel constantly stressed? Do you consistently suffer from physical symptoms such as tummy pain, tension, headaches, irritable bowel, or increased heart rate?

Perhaps you are manifesting symptoms of trauma. If you are, seek help. Talk about it. Please, leave the situation if you can.

For your interest, the podcast can be found here: https://biologyoftrauma.com/39-how-does-trauma-manifest-in-the-body-with-gabor-mate/

In love, Jenny

Our thoughts affect our body. In fact, every thought produces a biochemical reaction. Thinking positively does not address the root causes of our negative thought patterns as our body knows when we do not believe what we are trying to tell ourselves. 

Personally, I am a master of analysing negative situations repeatedly, and I am brilliant at catastrophising circumstances in my life. But I am working on changing these patterns. Just today I had a tummy ache from negative thinking. I managed to convince myself that I was developing another food intolerance to add to my list. When I was distracted from these thoughts, the pain left, and I felt much better.

Looking back, I can see that my early years of depression led to significant stomach problems later in life. Hence, my change in diet over the last 5 years. One of my weaknesses is worrying about what others think of me. I know I am not alone. Often people say that we should not worry about the opinions of others and that unless we value the person, their opinion should not matter to us. But this is not an easy task for many of us.

Our opinion reflects our personal experience. Often, the more deeply held opinions are rooted in trauma which we project onto others when we judge them. We tend to have an opinion, or bias about others when we are insecure. We judge both ourselves and others when we have unresolved issues. For many years I judged all men through the unresolved trauma in my childhood. Nowadays, I have a many, trusted male friends as more recent experiences have disproven that not all men are the same. Looking back, I see that the times in my life where my opinion was the strongest were those when I was most hurt.

So, instead of feeling the need to give everyone’s opinion headspace, remember that most are rooted in the other’s problems, not yours. In fact, letting go and not having an opinion can reflect maturity.

In love, Jenny

All we ever hear is “I must lose weight”. No-one ever says, “I must make sure I have adequate nutrition”.

Why is nutrition so important? Healthy food provides our body with the necessary nutrients for healing and longevity. It gives us energy. This means we can do more in our day. Movement is an important factor in healthy weight loss.

Our society has a disproportionate concern with weight loss. It is my belief that we have forgotten why we may need to lose weight. The intention of healthy weight loss is for the sake of our health, not our appearance. Our cultural focus on thin at all costs potentially causes more damage than it does good. This unrealistic goal motivates by fear and sets us up to fail. So many of us have suffered through restrictive diets which have a focus on weight loss, not on health.

Our health suffers when we are denied nutritious food for the sake of limiting our intake of kilojoules. Let’s say you have eaten a chocolate bar during the day and used all your kilojoules for this time, but you haven’t eaten dinner. The temptation is to avoid dinner for the sake of weight loss. But I suggest that you should not forsake a nutritious meal just to keep your kilojoules low.

A small chocolate bar has the same kilojoules as an avocado, but less nutrition. The problem with processed food is that it is high in sugars, fat, and salt to make the taste irresistible, and the goodness has been stripped for the sake of preservation. Eating these foods leaves us feeling fatigued and unwell in the long run. This is the problem with counting kilojoules to lose weight. We risk the temptation to eat whatever we like so long as we meet the kilojoule limit.

How have I lost over 100kg and continued to slowly lose weight? By choosing healthy food. I do not deny myself food or force myself to go hungry for the sake of weight loss. Instead, I choose nutritious, whole foods which satisfy me, keep me feeling fuller longer and give me the energy to do walk, garden and enjoy my life.

I love eating, I enjoy thinking about eating and cooking. I am not willing to deny myself this joy just for the sake of weight loss.

What is your motivation for weight loss? Is it for your health, or to improve your appearance for others?

In love, Jenny

I often write about my experience of love. It was this love that began a profound change to my life many years ago. The culmination of those changes came with significant weight loss.

But what is this it, and how did it change my life? In my book I share how I experienced a life-changing moment when I felt pure love through a friend who was caring for me. Let me say, I had never experienced its depth before, nor have I experienced its intensity since.

Time stood still, and I realised I was loved very deeply as it permeated my being. This was not a feeling, nor was it in my control. It was foreign to me as I did not know what real love was. To my mind, love meant I owed others for anything they did for me. I felt guilty if kindness was shown to me. And I resisted authentic love when it was offered from others as I did not think I deserved it. My experience was that love must be earned.

Looking back, I now see how persistent my friend was in her support and her belief in a love so pure that it changed lives. Over the years it has deepened, and I now know it in almost every moment. It is not dependent on people, only my openness to it.

No human can express this love in its fullness. We are afraid of the vulnerability required to experience pure love. We place conditions on our own experience of love and our expression of it to others. Naturally, we have a limit as to how much and for how long we can share it with others when we are consistently ignored and rejected.

But the love I experienced that day had no limitations.

It is my hope that if we have crossed paths, you have felt a tiny portion of the love I have been shown. In my humanity, I am only able to show you a fraction of my experience.

Hopefully it is enough for you to begin your own journey.

In love, Jenny

Over the last few days, I have been thinking about my relationship with my mum. In my book I talk about my early to late teens where she was becoming progressively sick from diabetes related illnesses. We would often sit together and comfort each other, commiserating together about our lives.

We shared a co-dependent relationship. She was unhappy with her life on the farm and her health was deteriorating. Although she never spoke about her health, she complained about her life constantly. She needed me and I needed her. Mum was my only security and I and was devoted to her. As her health deteriorated, my clinginess increased. Nearly all my time was spent with her when I was not at school.

I had learned to be devoted and loyal, thinking this was love and I believed she expected this of me. Now I realise my devotion was borne out of guilt and fear. Yes, I did love mum, but my devotion was not because of this love. And I am sure she loved me, but that did not eliminate the threat of her rejection. I devoted myself emotionally so she felt in control, and I feared she would reject me if I did not place her before everything else in my life. In short, I thought my life would end without her.

Thankfully, I now know that real love is freeing. Real love does not control, and if we share this love with another, there is very little fear of rejection. It is not possessive, and it does not hold on to hurt. Love is about letting go of those we love, life and the pain we feel. Love frees us to be ourselves.

Yes, it is hard to watch those we love suffer. It is tempting to rescue them from their pain. But this is not love. As tough as it may seem, we must let others live out the consequences of their decisions until they are ready for help. We can be available, but we cannot force our opinion on others. We must learn not to lose ourselves in the process of loving others.

How do you love? Are you in a clingy or controlling relationship?

In love, Jenny.