As an unwanted child I lived with the belief that I owed the world for my birth. It seemed to me that I had to work harder thank my siblings to gain the right to exist. This mountain was so high and the burden so heavy that I simply didn’t try. In short, I did very little practically for my parents and they expected very little from me. As the need to be accepted was not fulfilled in my family, I went into the rest of my life with the same mindset, spending many years working hard to earn the right to exist and find acceptance.
Looking back, the experience of belongingness eluded me wherever I went. I interpreted my world through this filter; no one wanted me. In my first job I felt inferior and worked hard to be accepted by my colleagues and bosses. But I could not shake the overriding feeling of inadequacy, so I assumed I had not worked hard enough to belong.
At church, belongingness eluded me as well. Although a God of love and acceptance was preached form the pulpit, I assumed I was not good enough. The story of a loving God who died for my freedom added more weight to my sense of indebtedness. Not only did I owe my family, but I also owed God for my life. The pressure to conform at church confirmed my belief. I owed the world for my life.
An experience of authentic love changed this. It taught me that true love does not expect compensation and it accepts me as I am. If I feel I owe another, then it is not love to me. If I do for others with the anticipation of repayment, my motivation is not love. If I place any expectations on what I give, it was not given in love.
Although my effort to change this old mindset has been long and hard, it was worth it. Guilt, shame, and fear are not part of my experience of authentic love. I now know that in as much as I experienced these in my childhood, it was not love.
Do you feel indebted to others? Are you unsure of love? Message me if you want to chat.
In love, Jenny
