Over the last few days, I have been thinking about my relationship with my mum. In my book I talk about my early to late teens where she was becoming progressively sick from diabetes related illnesses. We would often sit together and comfort each other, commiserating together about our lives.
We shared a co-dependent relationship. She was unhappy with her life on the farm and her health was deteriorating. Although she never spoke about her health, she complained about her life constantly. She needed me and I needed her. Mum was my only security and I and was devoted to her. As her health deteriorated, my clinginess increased. Nearly all my time was spent with her when I was not at school.
I had learned to be devoted and loyal, thinking this was love and I believed she expected this of me. Now I realise my devotion was borne out of guilt and fear. Yes, I did love mum, but my devotion was not because of this love. And I am sure she loved me, but that did not eliminate the threat of her rejection. I devoted myself emotionally so she felt in control, and I feared she would reject me if I did not place her before everything else in my life. In short, I thought my life would end without her.
Thankfully, I now know that real love is freeing. Real love does not control, and if we share this love with another, there is very little fear of rejection. It is not possessive, and it does not hold on to hurt. Love is about letting go of those we love, life and the pain we feel. Love frees us to be ourselves.
Yes, it is hard to watch those we love suffer. It is tempting to rescue them from their pain. But this is not love. As tough as it may seem, we must let others live out the consequences of their decisions until they are ready for help. We can be available, but we cannot force our opinion on others. We must learn not to lose ourselves in the process of loving others.
How do you love? Are you in a clingy or controlling relationship?
In love, Jenny.
