My need to prove myself has led me into places which were not suited to me. In my efforts to prove to myself that I was not what I had been told as a child, I chose work and people who needed me. I gave everything I had to these people, seeking their approval. I wanted them to say that I was not lazy, selfish and a whinger. So, I went about finding needy people. I worked hard, giving my all without complaint, trying to put their needs before mine.
I earnestly waited to hear their satisfaction for my efforts, for them to tell me that I was okay, I was a hard worker who did not complain and thought of them. But this did not happen. Instead, they wanted more of me, so I worked harder, increasing my stress. And I became resentful of their demands, even though I had offered to give so much in the first place.
Fatigue and frustration led me to analyse my reactions to my past and present. I acknowledged my part in this trap, and the other’s part in their behaviour. I discovered that people will usually take from others, even when they can fulfill their need in themselves.
So, I was working my butt off to satisfy an endless pit of demands. Until we are happy in ourselves and acknowledge that our happiness lies within us, we will seek it from others. For me it was for someone to say I had done enough. I wanted acknowledgement for my efforts to reverse the words of my past. Instead of telling myself this, I outsourced it. Others expressed their unhappiness by expecting me to make them happy, by doing what they could have done for themselves.
But I have discovered that without self-love we are an endless pit of needs. Without our core need for love met, we feel needy and will seek satisfaction for this need in any way possible. Our need for love is legitimate, but we are seeking its satisfaction from the wrong places, or people. The better way is to accept ourselves rather than expecting others to do it for us.
When I finally listened to myself, I acknowledged that I had done enough. Then I could do what was best for me, and my health.
If you feel burdened and fatigued, please message me.
In love, Jenny
