This week mum would have turned 95. At 58 she had a stroke from diabetes related illness. She died nearly 5 years later. Mum’s stroke caused a change in her personality. She lost her inhibitions and talked about things that she had kept secret. She disclosed that she had not wanted another child when she fell pregnant with me. Our relationship changed from the stroke, and she became indifferent in comparison to how we had once related.
At the time I was about to start my final year at university. I spiralled down and struggled to focus on my studies. My relationship with mum had changed forever, and I could not find a way to connect. It seemed to me that she no longer loved me, and I wondered if she ever had. I remained in this dark place for years and still find myself working my way out of it at times.
This experience was the catalyst for my pursuit of love. It led to some deep soul searching to understand myself, my motives and if I was even loveable. In the end I realised that I had always been loved, even if I was unsure of my parents’ love. There was love out there for me, just as there is for everyone.
My search to understand and experience love increased. I discovered that not only had it had always been with me, but it would also never leave me. During my darkest moments, in despair, depression, anger, anxiety and in bad behaviour, there had always been love for me. The problem had never been a lack of love, but that I believed I was underserving of it.
With this revelation, my life changed for the better. Slowly the depression lifted, and I found the motivation to care for myself. My health improved and my weight went down. Such is the power of love and why it is so significant to me.
What are your barriers to love? We all have them. Our journey in this life is to discover what they are and overcome them. We are here to learn what perfect love is. If you want to chat, message me.
In love, Jenny
